just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
