We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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