Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
