and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
