come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
