planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
