Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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