I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
