Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
