What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
