in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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