My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
