Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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