Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
