another moral hangover. fuck.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
