I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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