he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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