i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
