He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
