Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
We need to rekindle our bromance
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
