At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up under a house in Key West
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
