really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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