WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
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my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
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YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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