Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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