i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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