oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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