she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
