Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
