I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i believe in u and ur pee
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
