Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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