So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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