I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.