I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
