Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
