Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
