Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
