I CAN MOONWALK!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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