i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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