there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
