either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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