If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
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Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize