two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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