It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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