My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We are all done wearing pants today
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
