Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
