I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
