you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It's never too late to be topless.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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