just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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