my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
