thus making me awesome and them whores
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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