I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
