he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
