I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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