naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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