he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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