you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
