oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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