when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
