dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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